gentlegiant | September 13, 2010

[Private]

I don't know what to think about this year so far, and it's barely started. The third graders will be here for art soon, and I keep going over and over how many ways it could go wrong. I shouldn't be terrified by people half my size. Okay, well, Roslyn Chambers is almost as tall as me already, but she's a giant. That's different.

Cass Cole tried to give me one of her readings, and it just didn't make any sense to me. Well, I guess the focus part does make sense. I need more focus. But it's hard. And every time I think I've got a handle on things in life in general, something comes along to confuse it all over again. Like mom getting pregnant. Which shouldn't surprise me so much. I'm eighteen, Jenna's twelve, and Nate's six. So I guess she's got this six year itch. Kind of like pon farr. That really wasn't funny when I said it out loud.

What hurts is that she's due in November. Yeah, November. I know, I didn't really try to go visit this summer, but it seems like... it seems like maybe she should've told me. Or that Jenna would've said something since we did email a little. I guess I'm right; she really doesn't need me as a part of the family anymore. Or think of me as one.

I keep looking at the key Colwyn gave me, and I wonder what it opens. And why he gave it to me. I don't understand him at all. I'm not the kind of person he's friends with. Ever. I'm not useful, except if you need a mural painted or something. And he terrifies me, because he keeps being so nice, and sometimes I just want to accept it. But I'm afraid I'll turn around the next day and he'll be nasty. It's easier to trust someone who... someone who needs me, I guess. And at the risk of sounding stupid all over again, am I going to lose Doyle as a friend because he's got a roommate he gets along with now?

I feel like an afterthought. You'd think it'd be hard to forget about someone who's as big as I am, but I guess it isn't that hard at all.

[/private]

First day of classes. I had to go to breakfast with the lower school, and they all stared at me when I was introduced. The youngest ones all seemed so excited and terrified at the same time. I think it's going to be a fun year. We're starting with sculptures this week, working in sculpy now, and clay later.

[Private]

Almost forgot. In a moment of complete idiocy, I sent Colwyn a birthday gift. It's official, I'm insane.

[/private]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

How did the first couple of days go? I envy you, not being a student anymore.

Oh, I'm still a student, just not taking as many classes. And I get to grade people, too.

The kids are good. Even the little ones like playing with clay. I baked an awful lot of Sculpy snakes yesterday. They can paint them next class.

How about you?

How does one grade art? I mean, it seems a bit cruel to tell a child that they've failed at art, if they tried.

I think I made a clay turtle when I was little, but it ended up looking like road kill.

It's been about like you'd expect. 'Here are your textbooks, here are the syllabi, don't do this, do that' etc. Nothing particularly remarkable, except the absentminded professor who keeps calling me Corwin.

That's pretty much it. Did they try? Did they put time and effort into it or did they just scribble on the page and say they were done?

The really little ones get As mostly. It's the bigger kids who really get graded, and then it's about effort rather than ability.

You should try making a turtle again. Or something. Art is good for a person.

Corwin? I guess maybe that's a more common name than Colwyn.

~~Why did you~~ ~~Why were you~~ ~~nevermind~~

So what you're saying is that if you were presented with a piece of blank white paper and told that it was an invisible castle in a snowstorm, that probably wouldn't get an A?

It would show imagination. ;-)

I haven't taken art since freshman year. I've filled my art credit with chorus and drama. As I recall, I wasn't terribly good at it. If I attempted a turtle now, I don't know if it would look any less like roadkill, but at least I could be clever and paint car treads on it.

[Private to Peter]
What is it?

Well, it wouldn't be a polar bear in a snowstorm... I'd still ask them to go do it properly, because it's been done before.

Art isn't always about things looking like what they're meant to be. It's about them feeling like what they're meant to be.

[Private to Colwyn]
~~Nothing~~
~~Nevermind~~
~~Fine.~~

Why did you walk out on Doyle after his accident?

How about an extreme close-up of... something very, very white? I can't actually come up with anything that wouldn't have at least some sort of texture, even in extreme close-up. I guess if I ever decide to make a drawing for you, snowstorms will be right out.

[Private to Peter]
I panicked. He wasn't the person I knew, physically, and it seemed like he'd changed. Not that I really gave it much of a chance to find out.

Also, I knew that looking like he did, he'd be a pariah. I didn't want to be associated with that.

Selfish, shallow, callous. I admit to all of it. After a while, though, it just felt like it came to a point where it was too late to try to mend it.

I'm not perfect, Peter.

Almost anything has texture, even snow and ice. Half the fun art is figuring that out, that nothing's as simple as it looks.

[Private to Colwyn]
He's a good guy. It doesn't matter what he looks like, he's good on the inside, and he's a good friend of mine.

I know snow has a texture. No two snowflakes alike and all that.

[Private to Peter]
We got along well, before. It's good he has friends, since I failed at it when I had the chance.

...and that's why the snowstorm reason doesn't work for a blank piece of paper, see?

[Private to Colwyn]
You could fix it. If you care about him.

I'm now tempted to start cutting out snowflakes like we used to in the winter in the lower school. Coat them in glitter and then stick them to your door...

[Private to Peter]
What reason would he have to believe me? I've betrayed his trust once. I've never done anything to you and you certainly don't believe me, or trust me.

That would be art, and art's good for you. I won't tell you not to express yourself, if glitter happens to be the way you want to do it.

[Private to Colwyn]
Not flinching when he comes around might be a good way to get him to believe you. Looking straight at him would too.

I still don't know what you want from me.

Except.

If it's friendship? I don't know why.

It's rather difficult not to flinch when he pops up in front of me out of nowhere. I can certainly make an effort on the rest of it.

Why shouldn't I want to be your friend?

He wouldn't do that if you hadn't made such a big deal out of not wanting to have anything to do with him.

And that didn't answer the question. Why do you want to be friends with me?

Is this really a conversation you want to have back and forth in pixels?

I'm not sure it matters. That's twice you've avoided the question. If you decide you want to actually answer it, and you'd rather do it in person, fine. But not unless you're going to answer.

I'll answer the question. I just don't want you to doubt what I say because you think I can hide behind words on a screen, with no ability to see my facial expressions.

Not that I can lie.

You can't lie?

No. I can't lie. And no one knows that but you.

There are mentions of it in the faery lore quite often, but I'm the only one I know of who manifests it now. Nevertheless, it's true.

If I try to speak something that is not true, the words won't come out.

I'm not going to tell.

Maybe this weekend. I need to focus on teaching. And my own homework.

Whenever you like. You know where to find me.

September 13, 2010

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Private to Peter

Private to Peter and Colwyn

Private to Peter and Colwyn

Private to Peter and Colwyn

Private to Peter and Colwyn

Private to Peter and Colwyn

Private to Peter and Colwyn

Private to Peter and Colwyn

Private to Peter and Colwyn